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Get Yourself Free

 

Slip Out the Back Jack

Make a New Plan, Stan

Don’t need to be coy, Roy

Just Listen to me

Hop on a bus, Gus

Don’t need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

 

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon

 

 

Leaving a Lover may be funny and toe tapping but getting a divorce is not.  Most men and women spend many sleepless nights deciding to divorce but once having made the decision, they want to quickly jump into the process and get it over with. However, the process you choose to use to divorce is the most important decision you will make. 

 

90% of the most challenging issues in a divorce agreement are emotional;  the rest are financial.  But divorce is a legal process and you need to choose a legal solution. So what’s the BEST Way to Divorce?  The best way is going to be the way that emotionally supports both partners in your family so that they feel taken care of, divides the assets equitably, and addresses the needs of the children first while making two homes out of what used to be one. The trick is going to be doing this with the least emotional and financial destruction to all parties involved.

 

So what is the best way for you to divorce?  Well, the simple answer is - it depends. 

Most of all, it depends on whether you and your partner can agree to work through coming up with a plan on how to raise your children, manage your financial obligations and divide your marital assets.

 

There are four ways to get divorced in New York State:

 

1.  The Do-It-Yourself Way or Pro Se in New York State.

 

You can find all the papers you need on line at www.nycourts.gov/divorce/forms.shtml.  This website has information for finding out about getting forms applying for divorce in all counties.   You download the forms and fill them out.   If you have trouble with the paperwork, often there is an office in your county where you can go for assistance listed on the site.

 

2.  Mediation

 

You and you partner work with a neutral Mediator who informs you of all the decisions to be addressed within a separation agreement and then helps you and your partner reach a consensus on each one.  Once your negotiations are concluded, your Mediator will record your decisions in what is called a Memorandum of Understanding or MOU.  This is the basis of your future separation agreement or Divorce Stipulation, drafted by a lawyer which, when signed and filed in the courts finalizes your divorce. 

 

Mediation is a preferred method for many reasons.  First, it preserves the relationship and the family assets.  It keeps all the decision making in the hands of the couple and away from the courts.  You don’t have to like your spouse, but if you can speak with him or her, with the aide of a mediator, you can have a conversation about money and children while keeping in mind the need to make the best of this difficult situation and of making two homes out of one.

 

For more information, visit: New York State Council On Divorce Mediation, www.nyscdm.org/   and Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York  www.fdmcgny.org/.

 

3.  Collaborative Divorce

 

You and your partner both hire Collaborative Attorneys. You and the attorneys, sign an agreement stating that you will not go to court or threaten to go to court and that if the negotiations during the Collaboration Process break down, both attorneys will resign rather than proceed to litigation.

 

You may also choose to hire Divorce Coaches to help you to work out parenting plans and schedules and to give each partner someone to turn to when they need help coping with the divorce process.

 

Collaborative Divorce is the best method and a very necessary method for those who cannot stand up for themselves in mediation.  It is more expensive because it involves two attorneys on a continuous basis. However, the use of two or one Divorce Coach to help support both clients through the process is a big plus. Some may see this as an expense which it may be. On the other hand, it may be what saves the process from ending up in court which is the most expensive process of all.

 

Coaches are able to diffuse and help work through some of the complicated emotions that get in the way of people being able to come to an agreement.  When couples get stuck in anger, it is hard to proceed.  When a process includes both an agreement not to go to court and Coaches to help support clients through difficult times, it is tailor made for those who have volatile, angry relationships that they don’t want to ruin the rest of their lives.

 

In addition, in a Collaborative process couples may choose to share the cost of one neutral Child Specialist and one neutral Financial Advisor rather than each party hiring their own specialists to prove their point.

 

For more information, visit: www.nycollaborativeprofessionals.org/ and if you live in New York City, you may also visit the Collaborative Family Law Center to learn if you are eligible for a reduced fee or free collaborative law services through a court-sponsored pilot program.

 

4.   Litigation

 

You hire a lawyer and your lawyer files suit against your spouse.  A date will be set to appear in court.  Your spouse then hires a lawyer to respond to your suit, and/or perhaps to counter sue.  The two lawyers will go back and forth negotiating until you and your partner have arrived at a settlement or until your court date when you must appear in front of the judge.

 

Once you reach your court date, the judge will decide.  And, no matter what your lawyer has told you, there is no way for anyone to know what a judge will decide.  In a way, it can be likened to a roll of the dice.  Most judges try to be a fair as possible, but some have a reputation of favoring one side or another.  You can’t choose your judge, so you have no control over the outcome of your case.

 

So who needs to Litigate?  Sadly there are those cases that need to litigate because one, or other, or both of the parties involved are so angry, or hurt or in need of a “day in court” that there is no other option.  Paradoxically, as mentioned, the day in court will not necessarily end in a ‘fair’ judgement and it will cost more money than the family most likely was prepared to spend, making it a lose-lose situation.

 

That said, there are situations when one spouse feels the need to protect a child from the other spouse.  And, there are situations when a spouse threatens to take a child away from another spouse.  They are the same situation seen from different points of view.  There may be a partner who has depended all their life on the financial support of the other partner and is now threatened with being homeless, penniless or both.  In these cases, litigation may be the best way to go.

 

The nycourts.gov/divorce/forms.shtml  website also mentions how to find a lawyer and a Collaborative Family Law Center.  The New York State Bar Association Referral Service at 800-324-3661.  If you cannot afford a lawyer, go to www.lawhelp.org.

 

So what method of divorce is the best for you?  As you can see, it depends.  Certainly, if you can work with a mediator, using the advice of lawyers, and arrive at an agreement that both you and your partner can live with would seem to be the best choice and would certainly be mine.  But as this blog has shown, it is not necessarily for everyone.

 

Know what your situation requires and use that knowledge to choose the method that will bring about the most satisfactory resolution for you and your family.

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