Kids Surviving Divorce
Posted on October 6, 2011
When a couple is contemplating divorce, questions arise about who did what, who gets what, who do the children live with, who gets them for vacations and holidays, etc. The list goes on and on, and in the middle of this maelstrom are the kids who, depending on their age, often don’t understand what is happening and feel lost and scared.
So what do kids need to survive divorce?
Research shows us that the Kids that fair best during a divorce have three key characterististics:
1. Active coping skills
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A sense that they have some control over some things in their lives
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The skills to manage their own emotions
2. Hope, optimism
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A belief that their lives will get better
3. Emotional Security
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That they are and will always be loved by their parents
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That their parents or caregivers will be there to help the
This is the good news and says that not all children are doomed to be damaged by growing up in divorced households.
But, how many kids do we know with these qualities? Not too many. And, the younger the child, the less likely they are to have them.
So, how do parents protect their children best? Research has shown that the two most important ingredients of high quality parenting are:
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Warmth & Love
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Structure & Discipline
Children need constant reassurance that you love them and that your love for them will never end. They crave physical expressions of affection along with words of reassurance and love. They were told that mommy and daddy loved each other and now that has ended. So they are vulnerable and scared that they might do something that could cause you to no longer love them. Expressing love and warmth is a way to reassure your children that they are not the cause of the break up. So often children carry the burden of that responsibility.
Structure and discipline make children feel safe. Their lives are changing so much during the divorce that keeping consistent schedules, bedtimes, and meals times will help them to positively make the more complicated emotional adjustments. Making it clear what they can and cannot do reminds children that you are the grown up in charge and leaves them room to remain children.
If you are in the midst of or contemplating a divorce and are interested in ways to help your child survive it, I highly recommend:
Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce
by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D.
Tags: divorce in new york, mediation ny, new york divorce mediation, nyc divorce mediation
