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“The Elephant in the Room”

 

Divorce is 75% emotional and 25% legal and financial.  Often when a the couple becomes stuck as they attempt to discuss the division of their marital assets or parenting plans, it is not because legal issues have interfered with their thinking, it is their emotions that have taken hold of the process. They have usually become fixated on the wish for one desired outcome or another.

 

When this happens, it is futile to ignore the elephant in the room or to try to tell people not to have the deep feelings that they are so obviously experiencing.  You can’t go around it.  You have to respect the power of these emotions and know that each person is, in their own way, battling with complicated and conflicting sentiments.  These feelings need to be brought into the room, acknowledged, respected, and understood before a resolution satisfactory to both parties can be arrived at.

  

Helping people who are about to divorce express their feelings to each other without all hell breaking loose is an art form.   And, a mediator with a psychological background definitely has an edge.

 

Don’t get me wrong.  Mediation is not couples therapy nor is it meant to be.   But a mediator trained as a therapist is comfortable with high emotions, both positive and negative, and can create an atmosphere that says:

 

”Feelings are welcome here.   Emotions are expected. In this room you get help to contain and manage those feelings so you won’t loose control or be overwhelmed.”

 

Secondly, psychotherapists understand how important it is for a person to feel they have been heard and understood.  As a mediator encourages a partner to explain what matters to him or her in a particular situation, the other partner is also listening and hearing.  After each partner has had the opportunity to feel not only heard but understood by the mediator, the scene is set for them to be able to feel heard and understood by each other, or, at least, listened to and acknowledged.

 

When theses deep seated emotions are acknowledged, the way is cleared for a couple to have an honest discussion about what they each wants and doesn’t want and more importantly why.  Once a couple can address the feelings and wishes lying underneath their initial demands, they can move forward to discussing all options for their various issues and arrive at an agreement that will feel equitable to both parties.

 

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